Confessions
by barsonaddict
Summary: After an attempt on Barba's life, Olivia tries to show him how she feels.


"How do I know this is really what you want and not just a reaction to the shooting?"

The pain and ice infused into his voice stops her idle stroking of his rib cage suddenly. Her stomach drops.

"Rafael? Are you serious?" She reaches over to her nightstand, blinking when the light floods the room.

Olivia sits up, running her hands through her hair. She should have expected his reaction. How could he know what was going on inside her for the last few years when she had tried so hard to keep it from everyone, especially him?

"Ask me, Rafael. Ask me anything and I will tell you the complete truth. I'm an open book. Please..." she doesn't know what she's pleading for, other than his willingness to understand.

"How long has it been since you slept with Tucker? Right here in this bed?" His tone is biting.

"Wow... um... I can't give you an exact date; more than a week but less than two weeks ago. He has nothing to do with this, with you." She's trying to be open and not let his questioning bother her, but she's starting to feel a little attacked.

"Well he does if you're in a relationship with him."

"I'm not. I- I told you earlier I had taken care of everything. I thought you knew that included him. I would never- I don't want to start what I'm hoping will be- I-" she can't get her brain to produce a coherent thought through the panicked haze that has taken over. He's gotten out of bed and is currently gathering his clothes.

"Please don't go," she pleads, just above a whisper.

Rafael stops moving, but doesn't return to the bed. Their standoff is broken when a cry pierces the silence.

Sliding out from between the sheets she grabs her robe and pulls it on. She pauses in the doorway but can't think of anything to say.

"Go get him, Liv. I'll be here when you're done."

She nods and hurries into Noah's room. It's unusual for the two year old to wake during the night.

"Hey Baby, it's okay, Mama's here," she croons as she crosses the room and scoops him up. He cries for a few moments longer but soon settles down against her shoulder.

She wipes the tears from his face and rubs his back, murmuring softly in his ear to go back to sleep. He tightens his arms around her neck, silently asking her not to go. "It's alright, Noah. Mama's right here."

He lets out a shuddering breath and stays still. Liv starts singing softly and rocking slowly, hoping to soothe the boy back to sleep sooner rather than later. She knows Rafael would never hold this against her but he's also thinking of more reasons to leave the longer she's gone.

Two renditions of 'You are my Sunshine' and one of 'Twinkle twinkle little star' later she lowers Noah back into bed. Backing away slowly, she carefully closes the door so it doesn't click.

The whole day was a whirlwind. A shooting targeting Barba outside the courthouse left them with a media firestorm and still in the middle of a trial. A trial in which the witnesses were now terrified.

After rushing to the hospital and seeing with her own eyes he was only shaken up, Liv left Barba with his mother and clear instructions to take it easy for the rest of the day.

She returned to the precinct to orchestrate damage control, and after giving out assignments locked herself in her office and called Dr Lindstrom.

*earlier, Liv on phone with Lindstrom*

"I can't help but think this is my second chance and I don't want to let it go. I need to do something but..."

"But what, Olivia?"

"But when I heard about the shooting I almost threw up. I've never physically felt emotion like that. If something happens to him and I've never told him how I feel, I just- I would regret that forever."

"I think that's pretty telling, Olivia. You're still reeling from the attempt on his life but I don't think your feelings for Mr Barba are new. We've never discussed it explicitly but I suspect they've been there for years."

Olivia sighs and drops her head back. "You're not wrong." She's silent for a few moments but Lindstrom can tell she has more to say. "He's my best friend. You know how he was there for me during the Lewis trial. It felt horrible to leave him in the hospital today but honestly if I stayed a minute more I was going to tell him everything."

"And why didn't you?"

"Why didn't I tell someone I love them when I'm actually in a relationship with someone else? In front of their mother? When they have death threats against them and are already so stressed they can barely sleep?"

"Olivia. I think you know what you need to do. There will always be an excuse."

Liv chuckles ruefully. "Yeah. Thanks, Doc."

*end flashback*

Liv takes a deep breath to try and quell the uneasy feeling in her stomach. She turns and heads back into her room, dreading the conversation to come. She loves Rafael, but doesn't always know how to express her feelings adequately. Apparently showing him physically wasn't going to be enough tonight.

Stepping into her room, she takes a look around, and doesn't see him. The bathroom door is open, the light off. He's gone. The tears she's been holding back for the last twenty minutes start to fall.

She wipes her eyes with her sleeve, heading out to check the lock and put the security chain across. The kitchen light is on; not surprising considering their haste to get to the bedroom.

Walking down the hall, Liv pauses at the unexpected aroma wafting out of the kitchen. She stops just outside the room, taking in the sight of Rafael pouring two mugs of coffee. He's semi-dressed: wearing his boxers and undershirt. Clearly he's not planning to run out at any moment. Relief floods her body.

He looks up at her, furrowing his brow when he takes in her emotional state. "Liv? Is Noah okay? When he stopped crying I figured you got him back to sleep."

She nods, trying to smile, but now that the tears have started she can't seem to stop. "He's fine. He's asleep. I just- I-" a sob bursts out of her chest and Rafael crosses the distance between them in three steps, pulling her into him.

She stops crying a few minutes later, but doesn't let go of the tight hold she has around him. "I'm sorry," she whispers.

"Don't apologize, it's been a very emotional day."

She nods slightly. "I thought you left."

He runs a hand up and down her back. "I just thought we could use some coffee. I'm not running away from you."

She nods again to let him know she heard his words. After a long moment she squeezes him tighter then lets go, stepping back from his embrace. She uses the sleeve of her robe to wipe her face again.

"Where do you want me to start?"

Rafael sighs. "I don't know. You were fine at the hospital. I could tell you were worried, but everything was normal. And then a few hours later you're barging into my office and confessing all these feelings but it just feels like it's kind of out of nowhere. What the hell happened after you left the hospital?"

"I went back to the precinct to check in and make sure everyone was on track with the investigation to find the shooter. Then I called my shrink." She pauses, considering her words. "I needed someone to tell me I wasn't about to make a mistake."

"What mistake? Breaking up with Tucker?"

"No. That was a given. With the way I felt at the hospital there's no way I could stay in a relationship with him- it wouldn't be fair to either of us. No, I needed reassurance that I wasn't rushing into things with you. I mean, obviously I am, but I needed someone to confirm I wasn't overreacting and manufacturing feelings just because you got hurt.

"Then I went to break things off with Tucker. That was the one thing I was sure of today. I hadn't decided if I would try to talk to you or not but I wanted to be out of that relationship. Things have been- strained, to say the least- since the church scandal."

"You mean since people found out about you?"

She sighs, considering her answer. "I guess, but that didn't change my feelings toward him, it just made everything awkward with everyone else. Honestly, I was kind of relieved I didn't have to hide and be paranoid any longer. But I never thought I'd lose my squad over it."

"You know I never wanted to hurt you with reporting your relationship, right? I was hurt as hell and mad at you for not disclosing but I thought you would be off the case- not transferred."

She looks at him, making eye contact. "I know. You've always been much better than me at separating business and personal."

Rafael smiles slightly at her, then indicates the mugs sitting on the counter. "We should drink these before they get cold."

She nods, picking up the 'World's Best Mom' mug with a picture of her and Noah on it, leaving the blue NYPD mug for Barba. They move into the living room and settle into the couch; close but not touching.

"I want to be honest with you about my relationship with Tucker. I meant everything I said that day in your office. I really can't believe he's anything but the honest, straightforward cop that he projects. And I did used to hate him- but we came to an understanding when I got promoted. In order to work efficiently we decided to start fresh. It was generally really casual. Dinner and drinks. The odd night out. I don't really know what to say: I wasn't all that invested and especially with the church set up things snowballed and all of a sudden I almost lost my job over this guy." She pauses, swallows hard. Drops her head. "And I did lose my best friend."

Barba shakes his head, reaching out to put a finger under her chin. "No, Liv. You never lost me. I've always been here, will always be here."

She sees the sincerity shining through his expressive green eyes. She nods slowly, then continues her explanation. "Talking to Tucker today was fine. Breakups are never pleasant but I felt like I was being honest for the first time and leaving his place I felt lighter than I have in months. Once Noah was in bed I couldn't stop thinking about you and the threat and the shooting.

"I called Lucy so I could go see you; I assumed you would be at home since you got shot at earlier," she shoots him a dirty look for his clear defiance of her instructions to take it easy.

Barba smirks slightly. "I got shot AT, not shot. And there's always paperwork to do, you know that."

Olivia just shakes her head. "Well when you weren't home and didn't answer my call right away I got worried and kind of flashed back to when I heard about the shooting," she finishes quietly, tears filling her eyes at the memory of the pain she felt thinking that he had been hurt.

Barba reaches out and takes her hand, lacing their fingers together.

"So I was upset and thinking the worst and then it all just hit me: you almost died today. And I didn't want to wait anymore. I've had feelings for you for a long time, longer than I should have. I wanted you to know everything, and I guess I didn't really do a good job getting my message across," she says sheepishly.

He nods, still holding her hand. "I get it now, that feeling of urgency. You just want the other person to catch up already!"

"Yeah. I guess we probably should have had this discussion before we fell into bed?"

Rafael stills. "Do- do you regret what happened tonight?" His heart clenches at the thought of her regretting him and what he felt was a beautiful expression of their feelings.

"No, I don't regret making love with you. I was trying to show you what I was struggling to get across with words. I love you. I probably shouldn't say that yet but it's true and I want you to know where I stand: I love you and want to be with you."

Rafael drops her hand so he can cup her face with both hands, drawing her eyes to his. "I love you too."

They share a smile and then a soft kiss sealing their declarations. They still have just as many difficulties to deal with- threats against him, raising a toddler, fighting for justice in their city- but from now on they will have each other in every aspect. True partners in life.


End file.
